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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 3

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Spacer Dear Guzzler: Sometimes, my many walks through the rough shakes my stash and I get a foamy mess by the eighth hole. That loss of precious suds when I open a can often moves me to tears. Can you help?

A: I feel your pain, brother. But there is no solution. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

Dear Guzzler: I tend to lose a lot of golf balls while playing. How many balls should I plan on carrying in my bag without cutting into my stash?

A: You cannot find cold beer in the woods or at the bottom of a pond. Need we say more?

Dear Guzzler: I have a terrible slice. What specific brands of beer, if any, will aid my golf game?

A: Budweiser, Busch, Bud Light, Busch Light, Natural Light, Red Dog, Killian Red, Elephant Red, Bad Frog, Molson, Labatts, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Carling Black Label, Red White and Blue, Rolling Rock, Miller, Miller High Life, Miller Lite, Miller Genuine Draft, Stroh's, Schlitz, Old Milwaukee, Old Milwaukee Light, Sam Adams, Hamms (if you can find it), Heineken, Dos Equis, Corona, generic, Icehouse, Molson Ice, Bud Ice, Bud Light Ice, home brew, Coors, Coors Light, Coors Ice, Weideman, Lone Star, Lowenbrau and Lienenkugel. Avoid raspberry brew unless you hit from the red tees.

Dear Guzzler: Sometimes I overindulge on the suds while golfing and have to relieve myself on the course someplace. How much time can I be allotted for a "nature call" before being penalized for slow play?

A: We've all found ourselves in this pickle. Oddly, the subject is not mentioned in the U.S.G.A. rules of golf. That should mean there is no time limit. But many stuck-up asses interpret this omission to mean there is no absolute right to relief! Here's a solution. When your bladder starts throbbing, hit your golf ball into the woods. An easy way to do this is to aim for the middle of the fairway. You have five minutes alone in the woods to look for your balls. To use this technique discreetly, always wear dark-color "hider" pants.

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