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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 5

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Spacer Dear Guzzler: I've often wondered: Is it dangerous to drink from a beer can if a lightning storm is approaching the golf course? Also, will lightning hurt beer?

A: Are you kidding? Lightning is one of the most powerful and destructive forces of nature. If it approaches the course, you'd be nuts to stop drinking. Scientists have determined that the microscopic risk of holding an aluminum can during a lightning storm is more than offset by the benefit of a good buzz. As for your second question, tie a can of Natural Light to a kite and find out for yourself, Einstein.

Dear Guzzler: Isn't it true that Central Michigan University alumni make the best guzzlers? And, can women be guzzlers? Or are they guzzettes? Guzzelles?
--S. Knight, CMU

A: As a proud graduate of CMU, I welcome the opportunity to deflate the "party school" myth. Hard work and sweat got me through four tough years. I'll never forget the all-nighters cramming for finals in Leisure Pursuits, Popular Culture and Russian History (vodka optional); dragging myself out of bed for 10 o'clocks; learning to defrost food; devising complex webs of lies about sexual prowess. Easy? No way -- but the reward was unbelievable. As I told Tom while we watched my graduation ceremony on TV at the Foolery, "Look out world, here I come!" And women can most definitely be guzzlers. I call them "ma'am."

Dear Guzzler: Beer, golfing and now Shakespeare. I'm impressed. Do you have any other hobbies?

A: Certainly. I enjoy sausage making, sleep, returning my empties, nose-painting, quantum physics and general coxcombry.

Dear Guzzler: I must know the proper direction to piss. Towards the pin? In the cup? Or will you just toss me a "gimmie?"

Your No. 1 Fan,

A: You really need my help. The first rule of golf etiquette is to NEVER urinate on a green ... if anyone is watching.

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