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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 7

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Spacer Dear Guzzler:  There's this gorgeous young woman who operates the beverage cart at my favorite course. I buy beers from her all the time -- not because I want to pick her up right there, but because I need a beer. (Hey, I've got my priorities straight.) Anyway, now she's madly in love with me. Help me! I'm happily married with two kids.

A: You must let her down easy. If you start a relationship, you can no longer depend on her to deliver beer. (If you are married, you know what I mean.) If you treat her like dirt, it's also bye-bye brewski. Try this: "Look at me. I'm paunchy, middle-aged, drunk and I have spots on my butt. You can do better. But I'm always good for a healthy tip if you hit me on eleven."

Dear Guzzler: How does one best assure that he/she maintains the proper level of alcohol in the blood stream that is necessary for optimum golf performance, while not stepping over that fine line where everything goes to hell?

A: I don't know. But the chicken came before the egg and 1,679,722 angels can dance on the head of a pin.

Dear Guzzler: I have a dilemma. I was golfing in a foursome with my friends and had just opened a fresh can of suds, took a drink and set it down to hit my tee shot. After a severe slice I looked forward to my fresh beer only to find out the can was empty and my "so-called friends" were smiling. What should I do? Accuse any one or all of them? Drink their beer? Thanks, I need help.

A: If you were in prison, you'd have to pick the strongest of the three and take him out in a knife fight. On a golf course, there are more options. Try this: Take 10 to 15 practice swings before each shot as if struggling to keep your concentration. Step away from the ball frequently and mutter, "Maybe I sould go back and look for it." They'll laugh at first, but it won't be so funny by the time you finish your round, seven hours later. They won't cause any more trouble.

Dear Guzzler: My 14-year-old will be a freshman and went for his first day of tryouts for the golf team. Trying to give him some good advice, I said, "If you get nervous or have a bad hole ..." -- he interupted -- "Have a beer?" What was the proper response?

A: "That's right, son. But don't tell your mom." ... I mean, "Wait until you get older. Wanna Lifesaver?"

Dear Guzzler: Your fame is spreading!! Here's one thing I want to know: Why bother with the golf? Doesn't it get in the way of a good round of drinking?

A: You're not a golfer, are you? Let me fill you in on a little secret shared by millions of us who love the sport. This often works: "Honey, I'm going to play 18 holes Sunday." This rarely does: "Honey, I'm going to skip church Sunday and drink with the boys for five hours." There you have it.

Dear Guzzler: What adjustments need I make to my guzzling game plan if I'm going to play in Canada? I've heard reports that the Golf Guzzler's game -- usually impervious to more than 6 or 7 domestic beers -- was somewhat off the mark after only four of the higher-octane, north o' the border brews.

Albion Ketty

A: You heard wrong, Albion. My game is somewhat off the mark no matter what I drink or where. However, the exchange rate for beer in Canada is opposite the exchange for money: One of theirs is worth 1.32 of ours. Here's another useful tip on Canadian golf: If you see a sign that says, "No alcoholic beverages allowed," it translates to, "Drink up, boys."

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