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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 9
Dear Guzzler: Your wise advice has improved my golf game. It's also created a problem. Now, when I watch golf on TV, I have a Pavlovian response: I crave a beer and a bathroom. How do you handle this situation?
A: This solution was pioneered by a newspaper copy editor I know. In college, he and his roommate aspired for the perfect lazy weekend of television. They stocked a big cooler of beer in the living room and purchased some Depends diaper-pants. Then, when they had to whiz, there was no need to move off the couch! Ahh, right there in the Depends, just like astronauts or winos. I'm not sure what they watched, but they sure sound like loyal golf fans.
Dear Guzzler: Is there any way, before I begin my round, to tell whether a particular course is going to give me grief if I pound down a few Heinekens while golfing?
A: Yes. Go to the clubhouse and order a Heineken to take out on the course. If they sell you one, you're all set. If not, you will be ejected from the course if the ranger spots you with a Heineken. Try Budweiser. It won't kill you, Mr. Big Shot.
Dear Guzzler: I wish you'd urge your devoted readers to pick up after themselves if they must drink and drive. Littering on a golf course is illegal, you know.
A: And I wish you'd kiss my rosy red ass. If The Guzzler has any devoted readers, they are not drunken slobs. They are tidy drunks.
Dear Guzzler: Is the Guzzler married? If so, what does Mrs. Guzz think of your antics?
A: The Guzzler has been happily married since November 23, 1985. My lovely wife is under the impression that I spend nights and weekends pursuing a master's degree in business administration from the University of Michigan.
Dear Guzzler: Isn't true that when you have a hangover you generally get sick?
A: Yes, and it is a big problem. Vomiting and dizziness are the worst enemies of a fundamentally sound golf swing. Also, hangovers discourage many golfers from drinking more beer. I do not recommend hangovers.