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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 16

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Spacer Dear Guzzler:  I'm 19 years old and enjoy drinking beer while golfing with the guys more than anything. The problem is that golf courses are discriminatory against youthful swillers. So every time we go golfing we have to roll the dice and hope we don't get caught. So my question is this, if I am capable of golfing and am not driving or causing trouble why does anyone care?

Huge fan discriminated against on the links

A: This is not a fair world, son. Back before the lava cooled, I could drink legally (in the great state of Michigan) at age 18. You, however, were stupid enough to be born then. No one should care if you tie one on, but the law is the law. My advice: civil disobedience. We shall glass

Dear Guzzler:  I gotta question bout golfin' in da U.P. (Upper Peninsula of Michigan fer dose witout proper culture. And yah, der is such a ting): Can da DNR* legally conferscrate yer brewskies if dey ketch ya guzzlin' on da golf course? If dey can, wat's da best way to fight da bastards off, eh? Tanks a lot, an' keep up da good work, eh?

A Yuper

A: Holy wah! What has become of God's country when a man has to worry about getting his Old Styles nabbed by the DNR? My advice: If a C.O.** comes near your suds, whack him square in the temple with the toe of your sand wedge. No jury north of Alanson would convict a man under those circumstances.
 * -- Department of Natural Resources, the conservation cops. ** -- Conservation Officerbeer glass

Dear Guzzler: My husband has been struggling on the pro golf tour for a few years now. Every time he starts to do well or actually wins a tournament, he feels the need to celebrate with a few brews. Then he ends up in Betty Ford, gets himself sober, and can't play for shit! I like the money when he wins, but he doesn't beat me when he's sober. Any advice?

A: Oh, you kidder. There's no such thing as a sober golf pro. beer glass

Dear Guzzler: Hey Guz. I have a question for you. I'm organizing a golf/drinking retreat for a few fellow golfer/drinkers. Do you know of any drinking games that can be played on the course, relevant to your game. Any scoring schemes would be appreciated as well (i.e. divide scores by beers comsumed multiplied by lost balls) -- anything of the sort.

Brad Gardner

A: Any common golf wager can be adapted to drinking, but many novices do it backwards. For God's sake, don't play last on, or last in, or high score on a hole has to drink. Make the guy who does best on every hole shoot down your beverage of choice. The player who takes most holes in this contest is a champion in every sense of the glass

Dear Guzzler: Recently, my roomies and I played a typical round of golf envolving typical beer-a-hole festivities and mulligan shots of Bushmills whiskey. As I approached the 11th tee, I began to feel a bit queezy. I tee'd up my ball, defined my blurred path of intended (optimistic) flight, addressed the ball, and vomited. My query is this: What is the proper etiquette in such a situation? A) Politely wave and smile at horrified onlookers; B) Inform the greens crew that they needn't fuss over fertilzing this particular area of the tee box; or C) Feel intense embarassment over my girly behavior, ask for humble forgiveness, and chug another beer for atonement? I am inclined towards choice "C", but am I overlooking the obvious?

A: I don't know. I can honestly say I've never puked on a golf course. Unless you count the parking glass

Dear Guzzler: Oh mighty Guzzler, what is your opinion on coolers (the Jack Daniels type) and Zima? Zima seems to almost be made for golf.

A: My opinion means shit. If you like it drink it. Personally, I've never had Jack Daniels any way but: 1) straight; 2) with water; 3) mixed with vomit on the way back up. So maybe a cooler would taste nice. Zima's good when all the stores run out of glass

Dear Guzzler: I am an extremely accomplished drinker/golfer. My problem is that here in Florida we are unable to purchase beer until after 1:00 pm on Sundays. My regular group goes off well before noon. I have tried to purchase the necessary quantities on Saturday evenings but I find it very difficult to sleep knowing there is available beer in the house. What should I do?

A: You da man. Buy enough that you won't have time to sleep before your tee time. Your score may suffer, but that's what being extremely accomplished is all glass

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