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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 28
Dear Guzzler: What do birdies, boggies, and stuff like that mean? I am a beginner golfer.
A: Bogies are what you get when you play reasonably well. Pars are what you get when you have either a good chip or a good putt. Birdies are what you get when you lie.
Dear Guzzler: I live and work on the equator in the jungles of central Sumatra. Wednesday has been a traditional Beer Golf afternoon for my colleagues and me, for the past seven years. The object of Beer Golf isn't "to win," but "not to lose," since one member of the losing team buys the brews after golf. Our usual format is a best-ball scramble.
This past Wednesday, Sparky, the temporary Beermissioner, created an unusual format that everyone hated (especially the losers). But, while the rules were a bit confusing, we were able to complete our round of golf and start drinking our beer of choice, Tiger Beer, 45 minutes earlier than normal.
Here's my question -- Is it better to finish a round earlier, playing a whacky scramble format, for additional beers on someone elses' tab, or to spend more time, hitting more shots, playing a traditional scramble and drinking more of your own beer on the course?
A: Sumatra rocks, that's what I always say. It is always best to keep shooting if beer is available. When the beer runs out, the loser's tab is all the sweeter. Even if you are the loser.
Dear Guzzler: I recently stumbled onto your site and have (of course) set it up as my home page. It is so nice to see so many people share my views on both golf and the consumption of cold beverages.
I host an annual outing which in past years has been held at the same resort. We have always returned because the lack of rules has allowed us to play "beer-a-hole" rules, golf-cart olympics, "bull moose" rules (if caught drinking right-handed, you chug!), shortest drive on par 5's chug, etc. Last year (our 4th annual) got a little carried away and the management got a little upset with the number of brand-new golf carts we destroyed (picky, picky). As I begin planning our 1998 event, I find myself looking for a new home, any suggestions?
A: Set up as a home page? No wonder we skyrocketed to over 10,000 hits in well under two years. Please take this as praise: You cannot play the same course two years in a row. That makes it too easy on the process servers.
Dear Guzzler: This is a question of golf etiquette. A friend and I decided to play a round of golf with our bags filled with some good ol' homebrew. The starter paired us up with some older gentlemen who did not believe in the "beer and golf" philosophy. By the 6th or 7th hole, the homebrew was kicking in, and it was obvious that the other guys were not enjoying our company -- they were trying to play ahead of us, leaving us behind. What is the best course of action?
Kevin in Clinton Township, MI
A: Another guy and I were once paired with two strangers. Before we hit a shot, we warned them that 1) we suck; and 2) we drinks a bit. Fine, they said, no problem. Well, it turned out these guys were betting $100 a hole. Pretty soon, it was clear they considered us an annoyance. We bothered their concentration by expecting to do things like putt when it was our turn. On the sixth hole, my buddy mistakenly hit one of their balls from the fairway. They went nuts, as if we had raped their wives or something. We never said a word for the last three holes. So consider yourself lucky if the assholes leave you alone.
Dear Guzzler: Do you live, or have you ever lived, in Sturgis by chance? The old picture looks VERY familiar.
A: You are probably thinking of John Hiner from White Pigeon, author of "The Pocket Pro" and pathetic Guzzler wanna-be. I'm not him. And I am not the guy from the Miller beer commercials, either. I am not Dick.