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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 32

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Spacer bottle capDear Guzzler: Here in Ontario, on our golf courses we have beer fridges on wheels. They can be found wandering the course and are always stocked with ice cold laguer. Usually the portable bars are driven by golf club employees. My question: What would the female version of the beer cart driver be called? Should she be addressed by name? Beer Cart Girl? Beer Bunny? Beer Goddess?

A: I have always relied on a noble, old English word defined as "a female servant." Beer wench. But now I know this is wrong. In an unprecedented attempt at research, the Guzz posed your question to a professional associate who once worked as a beer wench in scenic Ypsitucky, Michigan. She informed me that the phrase "beer wench" is offensive. I was prepared to disregard this advice as politically correct crap until she explained what is at stake. If you make an unpleasant impression, you will never see the beer cart again for the rest of your round! "Remember the beer cart girl's name and tip her well on hot days," she said. "She will remember you. If you did that and told me you'd be ready for another round on the 10th hole, I would find you on the 10th hole." By the way, my associate said her job paid minimum wage, plus tips, plus a 25-cent commission for every can of beer sold. By my calculation, that is $62.90 an hour U.S., or $80 glass

bottle capDear Guzzler: For crying out loud, now they put titanium in the golf balls. When will they put titanium in beer cans?

A: Test marketing shows it does not work unless they put a bubble in your shaft, glass

bottle capDear Guzzler: I'm pretty new to the game. Been playing for about a year now. I've picked it up rather quickly. I have a club head speed of about 106 to 107mph. What flex shaft should I be using?

A: Relax. It's a game, not a science project. Buy everything regular and try to stay that glass

bottle capDear Guzzler: Occasionally, one of my golf buddies will suffer a temporary lapse of reasoning and ask his wife out to join us for a weekend round at our favorite muni course. She doesn't say anything, but I know she gets mortified when we pull copious numbers of beers out of our golf bags throughout the round. What should I say to her when she looks at me like I'm some sort of degenerate low-life on the links?

A: "You look hot and moist in those shorts." My guess is you won't have to worry about her tagging along any glass

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