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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 34
Dear Guzzler: This is killing me. I recognize the Bloated Goat
Tavern (I may have even stopped there) but I can't remember what city it is in. Can you tell me?
A: The Bloated Goat is like wisdom, it can only be appreciated by those who find it themselves. But here's a clue: It is equal distance east of Eden and north of Hell. Try the burger when you get there.
Dear Guzzler: Hi Guzz, great page!!! Can you help? I am looking to purchase some great golf gag gifts for a upcoming tournament. I have exploding balls, etc., but do you know where I can find more gags, rubber clubs, etc. I need this stuff ASAP!! Please help! I am desperate.
A: Sorry. I had exploding balls once and I do not recommend it.
Dear Guzzler: During our last MotorHome Open, our group played at one of those fancy "up north" courses. Unfortunately, as is the case with many of these "high class" establishments, they stacked as many foursomes on the course as they could. There was typically three foursomes at each tee box and the loop took SEVEN hours to complete. Normally, this would not be a big problem as this would allow for more time to savor the hops. However, after going through our own stash (six pack/man) we were left frantically searching for the beer lady. Despite a generous tip, we saw her only on the fifth tee. We spent the remainder of the round begging the rangers and even made a cell call to the clubhouse to send us the beer lady. We completed our round dehydrated and even threatened to sue the course for emotional distress. I was so distraught from this event that I have since begun carrying a pint of bourbon in case of similar emergencies. Any better advice?
A: Yes. A fifth of bourbon. I'm no lawyer, but it sounds to me like you've got an airtight case of gross negligence.
Dear Guzzler: I have a standing tee time on Fridays at my local muni. It's early so I walk carrying five clubs, a 12-pack and a bag of ice. My question is, by the time I get to number 12, which is close to the parking lot, should I do what I usually do after 12 Buds -- go home and watch who misses the cut on the tour? Or should I accept a ride and a drink from those who catch up wth me?
A: Sorry, you Dartmouth boys can't fool The Guzz with another of your fake questions. No one's life is this perfect.
Dear Guzzler: I constinlly hit down on my tee shots and most of
the time I hit the ground before I hit the ball. I had enough advice to fill a book but still do
the same thing.
A: Stop doing that. You'll notice a dramatic improvement.
Dear Guzzler: I've been pouring down the "pops with the foam on top" for 25 years but only golfing for 1 year, so your advice is well taken. Is it proper to place one's beer can on the green while putting, or should one mark the can as well?
A: USGA rules say a beer can can be placed anywhere on the putting surface as long as it is outside the line of all putts and does not impede any player's stroke. There is, however, a two-stroke penalty for drinking from the wrong beer after holing out, so it is prudent to place identifying marks on the can in the event more than one player drinks the same brand.
Dear Guzzler: Keep it up ! It is people like you that I MAY, if
I have an extra, share my stash with. I like your
wit, and if I had your mailing address, I would send
you a supply of quarters to give those that need
two bits to call someone who gives a shit!
A: Thanks. Do you care if I spend the quarters on a couple 40-ounce malt liquors the day before payday?
Dear Guzzler: What is your opinion on the Tri-Metal by Orlamar? What is the Alien Ultimate Wedge really good for?
A: Both are sure-fire defenses for the Vulcan Mind Meld. Dammit, Jim, it's just a game.
Dear Guzzler: When you are on the T and you duff your first shot and you dicide to take a Mulligan. Where did that saying come from and why?
A: Mulligan is Irish slang that means: "It ain't cheatin' if I say it ain't. Crack me another." It probably originated from the name of the first Irishman who walked to Scotland and tried golf.
Dear Guzzler: How many times SHOULD the bev cart come around in an average 18 holes of play?
A: How can that be answered? How often should Mozart be heard? When should man tire of pondering the stars? How many times should the poet bare his soul? I'd say three times a round, minimum.
Dear Guzzler: My brother and I were playing a round at our local
piece-o'-crap muni. I guess he had one too many cold ones because as I drove the cart on to the
green to retrieve my gimme, he stumbled and fell into the bunker. Would that be considered
"grounding" your club in a hazard? I gave him a one-beer penalty anyway.
A: Speaking as someone who has fallen out of carts, it is usually driver's fault. What with all that moving and everything. My guess is your brother thought that was no gimme.
Dear Guzzler: Why, if golf is the ancient and royal game of
Scotland, are we not all out there sipping fine
Scotch whiskey instead of our usual canned brew?
Also were cleats on golf shoes invented to give
inebreated duffers more stability while walking
the greens? Thank you for your insight.
A: Why do we listen to Jimi Hendrix instead of bagpipes? Why do we wear Dockers instead of kilts? We know better, that's why. As for your second question, spikes cause more drunks to trip than to stand up. The knees go first, not the feet.