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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 38
Dear Guzzler: What is the best way to keep my
brew from getting warm and foamy while walking the golf course?
A: Store it in your stomach cavity. It will get warm, but who cares?
Dear Guzzler: Just thought you should know that everytime I read your Web site I hear your answers in Dale's voice from the Fox-TV hit show, "King of the Hill."
A: How odd. When I write it I hear De Niro in "Taxi Driver."
Dear Guzzler: Guzz, I just discovered a cracked shaft on my graphite 5 iron. Last season it was my 3 iron. Can I expect this every season or do I just have a bad set of clubs?
A: I lose about one club a year, too, but I don't blame defective equipment. I blame those tree limbs and fence posts that get in the way of my follow through.
Dear Guzzler: What is the proper way to mark your ball on the green? Was there a change in 1997?
A: Sorry, Jerry, I can't remember if I changed jobs in 1997. A coin is good enough for anyone worth playing with.
Dear Guzzler: How many ounces of beer are in a keg?
A: Up to 1,280 if you let the foam settle instead of dumping it.
Dear Guzzler: When trying to make a 40 foot putt. Is it best to put your beer down toward the next hole or keep it back? I use the bottle to help line up my shot and once bounced the ball off the bottle into the hole. Is this okay?
A: Okay? That's great. Chi Chi is still working on that putt.
Dear Guzzler: How old was Harold Wilson when he became prime minister?
A: Not again. Why do you people keep mistaking me for the Parliament Guzzler? I'll answer, but this is absolutely the last time. Wilson was 48 the first time he became PM, in 1964, inspiring the Beatles to sing, "Ah, Ah, Mr. Wilson." He was 58 the second time, in 1974, inspiring Peter Frampton to sing, "Baby, I Love Your Way."
Dear Guzzler: What type of ball does Lee Janzen use?
A: What does that have to do with British politics?
Dear Guzzler: I would like to get some information where can I find the putting tehnique.
A: Play with guys who are generous with gimmes.
Dear Guzzler: Guzzler,
What are the best drinking games to play during golf? Keep in mind a fifth of rum is easier to carry than
a case of beer, so if the game involves shots then so be it.
A: Tie me down and shave my short hairs! Is that you, NFL quarterback Scott Mitchell? Obviously you have some spare time this season. Hit the rum whenever you want. You've earned it.
Dear Guzzler: At our golf courses in the Northwest, I often find the sign "Gentlemen, please keep your shirts on." Is this an open invitation for our female golfing partners to remove theirs?
A: Yes, but often it doesn't work. That's why gentlemen chant, "Show us your tits."
Dear Guzzler: What does the term "pin high" mean?
A: It means you hit the ball just the right distance to the hole after smoking a skinny marijuana cigarette.
Dear Guzzler: I recently competed (victoriously) in a 36-hole,
man-to-man, scratch competition for "The Cup", an annual match with a good friend from New York. The
"Cup" stands about 16 inches tall, is well-tarnished and holds about 50 ounces. Do you think it
is more appropriate to fill the "Cup" with draft or bottled beer? We've tried both and can't decide.
A: Centuries ago, when some Scottish sheep farmer took the first swing at a rock, he would have swelled with pride to know what glorious tradition would pass through generations. God bless you and the royal and ancient sport, Renulator. Go with draft.
Dear Guzzler: Name the different grips for holding the club.
A: Too tight, not firm enough and all screwed up.