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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 39
Dear Guzzler: Did you hear the one about the guy who tees off on the 18th and shanks his shot right into the skull of his wife, who was sitting in the cart? Upon examination, the coroner says, "Yes, this
ball lodged into the skull is what killed
her. My question is, what is the deal with this
other ball in the crack of her ass?"
To which the guy replied, "Well, I had to take my
A: No, how does it go?
Dear Guzzler: Note your picture in front of the 'goat' in the great metropolis of Fowlerville. Think I may also recognize your 'baby' picture, you wouldn't happen to work for a major insurance company in Howell, would you?
A: You're wrong, but wouldn't that be the life!
Dear Guzzler: Why is golf so boring and stupid?
A: My guess is you're trying it sober.
Dear Guzzler: I have just purchased a used set of Ping Eye 2 Red Dot Irons. What does the Red Dot signify, as opposed to black or orange?
A: It means you'll feel especially embarassed when you throw one into a tree.
Dear Guzzler: Can you tell me when I will break 100 if I have been playing for 3 months and got 150s when I started and then got 130s and am still improving. I have had 2 lessons with a pro and have another 2 to come. I play once a week or maybe more.
A: No problem, Patrick. You'll shoot 98 on Aug. 20, 2000. Maybe sooner if you cancel those lessons.
Dear Guzzler: I'm going to one of those high-class golf courses next week. I have a sneaking suspicion they want me to buy their brews. This plus the green fee adds up to big bucks. My question is this: Should I forego the cart in favor of more beer money, knowing full well I will never make it back to the clubhouse if I do?
A: Never waste hard-earned dollars by paying big money to golf without enough beer. Consider a home-equity loan. If you are not a homeowner, try check kiting.
Dear Guzzler: Why did you choose to be the golf guzzler? I mean, isn't that a silly name for such a cool guy?
Dear Guzzler: I'm shocked! I just read your latest wisdom and much to my surprise, you supported using a beer bottle to line up a putt! Everyone knows beer cans work equally as well without the risk of broken glass, cut fingers, etc. Not to mention all that lost beer.
A: Of course, you are right. This charade is falling apart. Do you have any idea of the pressure I am under? Silliness is a cruel mistress.
Dear Guzzler: I am flattered that you chose my question in your latest whizdom. Ranks right up there in the hierarchy of thrills -- just behind getting a good haircut.
A: Thanks, Joe. Let me know if you ever get all 17 hairs cut well. We'd all be thrilled.