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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 42
Dear Guzzler: Me and my buddies once had a dilemma while golfing in Ypsilanti. When we finished our round and went to the clubhouse for more beers, we found we had spent all our money. Not to worry -- we just gathered up all our empties (10-cent deposit per can) and tried to cash them in at the clubhouse. To our horror, they would not accept them. Is this normal clubhouse policy or did we take the weenie?
Dear Guzzler: Have you ever heard of playing golf with a baseball bat?
A: No, but it beats a 1 iron.
Dear Guzzler: Which brand of beer do you reccomend when putting?
Dear Guzzler: I have a friend who wants to stop drinking during a round of golf because he thinks it hurts our scores. It definitely hurts his but I like a nice oil-can sized Foster's before the 1st hole to smooth out my swing. What should I tell him?
A: Is this your friend or your mother? Tell him you'll keep having Foster's no matter what he does. All this concern about scores will ruin golf yet.
Dear Guzzler: Our group is called the Liquid Tour. One of our members has on occassion walked onto the green (after numerous shots) with his putter in one hand, but without his beer in the other. Should he be penalized one stroke, which to me seems excessive, or half a stroke for his thoughtless play?
A: There is no penalty stroke, but he must buy a round. Strictly speaking, this situation is not covered in official golf rules. If he refuses to buy, stone him. That is the penalty specified in Leviticus.
Dear Guzzler: Why do some people turn red after drinking beer? How can they prevent it?
A: If I knew that some of my capillaries would still hold blood.
Dear Guzzler: I need instructions on how to suck a dick.
Dear Guzzler: Have you ever played at Pebble Beach? I was there one time and saw who I thought was you following the beer cart. Aren't you supposed to play each hole in order?
A: Not me. Pebble Beach only allows rich drunks. Plus they have all those fancy rules like playing the holes in order and only once each.
Dear Guzzler: Dear Guzzler: What is the correct number of mulligans taken during a round of drinking and golf?
A: I've played three ways: 1.) One mulligan off the first tee; 2.) One mulligan on any hole you choose, you save it until you really need it; 3.) Unlimited mulligans. It's really a matter of personal preference and local custom. I hear some people even play with no mulligans.
Dear Guzzler: What's with the copper bracelet? What's it all about?
A: Many people believe an old wive's tale that copper helps your joints. The Guzzler does not condone, nor condemn, joint help on the golf course.
Dear Guzzler: My local cart girls get extremely pissed off when they discover my stash so, to keep 'em off balance I always buy some of theirs whenever they come around. However, I often find myself running out near the end of the round. Sure enuff that's when I can never find dems lass's with the glasses of my favorite brew. Any tips on how I can be sure the cart jockeyettes will come around when I need 'em most?
A: Slip them some cash first time in exchange for a promise to meet you again on 17. In the limited view of these delicate young flowers, there are three kinds of golfers: deadbeats, tippers and potential rapists. Stay in the middle camp and you'll get served.
Dear Guzzler: The other day my partners and I ran out of tees on #14. Instead of hitting off the ground we tried to use some of our empty beer cans as tees. The only problem was the clubface could not make the best contact with the golfball. I noticed at the 19th hole that with most bottled beers, the golf ball should rest on the bottle top similar to resting upon a tee. Is this reason enough to switch to bottles instead of cans on the links?
A: No, but congratulations on a great round. The real trouble begins when you run out of beer on the 14th but still have plenty of tees.