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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 43
I'm a recently graduated college student without a real job! I have $30, no golf balls, and haven't yet bought the brew for our annual Cabin Greens outing. My dilemma is where to spend the money! Do I buy Killian's and some cheap Wilsons, or do I get Titleist balls and a case of Natural Ice? Please help, oh wise one!
A: My style is half-assed all the way. I'd get the cheap Wilsons and two cases of Naturals.
Dear Guzzler: Hi. I'm a college girl in Korea. Nice to talk to you. Can I ask about golf schools? I want to learn golf during July in U.S. I know it's too short, but I want to just try it for my vacation. However, looking for the school is not easy.I need a teacher and accommodation. Could you tell me where has the program and the price. Thank you. You-yong cho
A: Is this the attorney general's office again? Listen, you pukes, this is clear entrapment. Even in Korea, college girls are over 18. There would be no law broken if, hypothetically, I told You-yong cho, if she is a real person, that she can stay at my place and take lessons for free. And bring a friend.
Dear Guzzler: I heard that last year you were using a technique called the magic move. Isn't this a contradiction to the essence of the "guzz?" email@example.com
A: Not at all, Spankler. As I've said repeatedly, fixating on scores sucks the fun out of golf, but naturally we want to get better. Every year I latch on to some gimmick to turn my game around. Some I can remember are connected golf, the slot, the head freezer, automatic golf and the magic move. I've tried everything but lessons and practice. The Guzz wants miracles, not work.
Dear Guzzler: Does your left arm bend during the backswing?
A: Yes, but I swing left-handed. Don't try it. It doesn't help at all.
Dear Guzzler: What is the origin of golfers yelling "fore?'' Please give me as many explanations as you can.
A: Will do, pal.
Dear Guzzler: What is the longest golf drive in the world?
A: Length doesn't matter. Or so says my wife.
Dear Guzzler: Is it legal when putting to put your beer can behind the hole to mark the line where you should putt the ball?
A: No. Never let it get out of arm's reach.
Dear Guzzler: How would you prove to someone that you need athletic ability to play the game of golf?
A: Say what? Look at the collection of misfits, potbellies and human deformities who clog the fairways at any golf course. You do not need athletic ability to play golf. Not unless you want a good score.
Dear Guzzler: One of the guys I golf with won't drink until the 16th hole. He says he can't play while he is drinking. The rest of us are keeping a steady pace through the round while he deprives himself of the fun we are having. Should we add a stroke to his score for every beer we drink?
A: Can't play while he's drinking, eh. I guess it takes all kinds. Can he pee standing up? Don't mess with his score. Poor guy, he's suffering enough.
Dear Guzzler: Why do you always use the same chicks' pictures on your links? Are you having an affair with these "young lasses?" Have you ever shagged while golfing? I once shagged an intern while golfing. Wondering, BullDog
A: I want you to listen to me, I did not have sex with that woman, the beer wench. I'll tell you more, rather than less, and sooner, rather than later. It depends on what the definition of is is. Enough! The people want us to get back to the business of the Golf Guzzler.
Dear Guzzler: I think you are SICK, VERY SICK but I like ya. I played my first 18 holes the other day and scored 150 and lost 12 balls. Lucky I did not loose my own. Any suggestions to improve my game. I am DESPERATE.
A: Losing 12 balls the first time you ever played is a good sign. You hit it far enough to lose, anyway. I bet you can shave 20 strokes or more off that score by practicing putts and very short chips (on or near the fringe) until you get a feel for it. It won't take long. And buy cheap balls.
Dear Guzzler: Is it legal for anyone to stand in the line of a players putt at anytime?
A: Never mind that. I just found out, thanks to John Kennedy Jr.'s plane wreck, that there is a town on Martha's Vineyard called Gay Head. Can't they change that?
Dear Guzzler: My game seems to have hit a wall. I am only able to consume 1 beer every 3 holes. How can I improve my consumption? Do I need an operation? Will it be expensive?
A: It won't be expensive, but very painful. Doctors will carefully cut away the skin from your scalp, then screw one of those hats that hold two beers directly into the bone of your skull. Plastic tubes will deliver the beer into a small slit carved into your throat, much like a tracheotomy. Find your game, laddie!