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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 44
Dear Guzzler: Please explain
the scoring system of Stableford. Many thanks.
A: Once I knew Billy Stableford from Paw Paw. I wouldn't call it a system, but he liked them plump and sloppy drunk. He'd walk up and say, "Lemme see what you got in that shirt." If she didn't call the police, he might score.
Dear Guzzler: How does beer affect one's game if he vomits at the turn?
A: One must resolve to suck it up on the back side, mustn't one?
Dear Guzzler: Where can I find instructions for building my own miniature golf course?
A: A computer guy in Pittsburgh named Matt Wall built 18 holes in his basement, mostly with toys and crap he had lying around. He promises to send instructions. See his layout at http://www.contrib.andrew.cmu.edu/~wall/course/ He has one warning: "If you are going to do this yourself, do it some place your cats tend not to vomit, unless you consider this a bonus hazard." The man lives large.
Dear Guzzler: It's that time of year again when the honey-do list grows, but the urge to drink cold frosty ones and shank golf balls becomes overwhelming. How do we get out of the honey-do list to golf and drink without getting into trouble? Or is it just worth a night or two sleeping with the clubs in the garage?
A: You have three options. First is divorce, which I don't recommend in most cases. Second is working like a dog every spare moment until you carve out a little free time for golf. That's a horrible solution. Finally, consider your most powerful weapon: the sick day. Call in sick when you must catch up on household chores. The drudgery gets done on company time without cutting into your tee time.
Dear Guzzler: What do you think about being blamed by your friends for getting a week suspension from the golf league because they got caught drinking in the parking lot?
A: I think Veronica and Jughead must have snitched on you.
Dear Guzzler: My company is having our annual golf tournament next weekend. It's a company that prides itself on being a family-oriented business. They definitely under-appreciate the importance of "aiming-fluid." I've bought 2 bags of really awful-smelling cough drops, but I don't know if it'll help. What should I do? Get my own cart and aim for the woods?
A: Get a new job. The want ads are full of better opportunites.
Dear Guzzler: I need a catchy name for a foursome for an upcoming golf tournament. Can you help???
A: How about "Balls to Spare?"
Dear Guzzler: I just read the comment on Scottish beers. I'm not Scottish but they do have Tennents Beer, absolutely delicious.
A: I stand corrected. Bet it tastes especially absolutely delicious with haggis.
Dear Guzzler: Three weeks ago I had the chance to play at a luxury course near my home. I spent quite a bit for the chance to play and was looking forward to an afternoon of swilling in the beautiful surroundings. At the turn I was spotted sucking down the remainder of a cold one. The ranger proceeded to tell me to leave as beer was not allowed on the course. Should I apologize for the comments I made about the members? Should I chalk it up to playing amongst the puckered and vow never to return to that environment again?
A: Good revenge for those types is screwing their trophy wives. Even better, scratch their Lexuses.
Dear Guzzler: I have come up with a better handicap system: The strokes/beer ratio. Chris shot a 87 drinking 6 beers (14.5), Bill shot a 88 drinking 5 beers (17.6), Jim a 94 drinking 10 beers (9.4) and I shot 103 drinking 12 beers (8.6). I won, but the guys say I have an unfair advantage from bowling in the off season. I have even suggested to the lighter drinkers that they can tee off from the ladies tees to even things out. We all agree to let you judge if my handicap method is indeed fair.
A: It's every bit as fair as a two-stroke penalty for hitting your own body with a golf shot. The bruising is penalty enough. I say you win.