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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 45
Dear Guzzler: My golf buddy and I have an argument we need you to settle. He thinks that Budweiser has more alcohol content than Bud Light. I think they are the same. We live in Las Vegas, if that makes a difference.
A: Your buddy is right. Light beer has less sugar, which is what makes the alcohol. Living in Las Vegas makes no difference except my guess is no one notices if you stay drunk all the time.
Dear Guzzler: I'm looking for the best, smallest, coolest can-beer storage that can fit in my good-size side bag and keep that wonderful frosty cold while on the course. Please help. Here in south Florida, my beer gets warm by the 6th hole.
A: You need the Bogey Bag, available online. And take more than four to six, for God's sake. They'll stay cold for 18 holes even down in that alligator pit.
Dear Guzzler: Hello from Bavaria (Germany) the home country of beer. Here in Bavaria, beer is not considered as alcohol, it is furthermore belonging to our daily nutrition, so people drink it a lot. I know that beer is good for a fluid swing, but what about putting?
A: Senior golfers would never need those silly putters if they started out with a few cold ones instead. Beer kills the yips. By the way, when the New World Order really arrives, we're making you chairman of the beverage committee.
Dear Guzzler: How far does the average golfer hit the various clubs, both irons and fairway metals?
A: The average golfer does not hit his clubs. He throws them. You can get about 40 yards on a good day.
Dear Guzzler: What is the difference between a golf course and a golf links?
A: About $120.
Dear Guzzler: Why does my golf ball go sideways all the time when I hit it?
A: I don't know, but try aiming for the woods. Bet it goes straight then.
Dear Guzzler: Most golf courses have signs that say "no alcoholic beverages allowed." As a result, I have been bringing jello shots, which I don't believe are classified as beverages. Please comment.
A: My comment: Next time I get popped for anything, you're my lawyer. If the booze won't tip, you must acquit.
Dear Guzzler: I have a problem. I'm 14 and there's this one girl that likes me. This girl is a little on the ugly side but I said I liked her and kissed her a couple of times. The problem is, I like her best friend who I talk to all the time and is my good friend. She is very pretty. She would never like me because she'd be backstabbing the other friend. I also told the pretty girl that I liked her and she said we're too good of friends. What should I do?
A: This question is a little out of the Guzzler's usual realm, but when I was 14 I would have masturbated.
Dear Guzzler: Where is the best locale for great golf, girls and booze?
A: The Dinah Shore Classic. Unless you mean heterosexual girls.
Dear Guzzler: My buddies and I play an annual tournament that involves "low beer net" scoring. My question is, how do we properly adjust the scoring for someone who drinks "lite" beer?
A: Every three light beers is worth two regular. Thus you multiply his strokes by 1.5. If he shoots 80, his score is 120. Let it be written. Let it be done.
Dear Guzzler: I can't seem to hit a good shot with my driver. I top the ball every time and it rolls a few feeble yards. Can you tell me what I'm doing wrong?
A: The driver is the most difficult club because it is longest. Try hitting off the tee with your 3 wood. See if that helps. If not, maybe you're just no good and should stop caring. The average hacker plays better and has more fun when he stops trying to get good.
Dear Guzzler: What is the appropriate amount of beer (Canadian) that any self-respecting foursome should start their round with?
A: The PGA Official Rules of Golf state: "Any four players wishing to respect themselves must begin each 18-hole round with a minimum of 24 Labatt Blues. Those who finish with any unopened beer shall be stoned to death in the parking lot."
Dear Guzzler: For over 20 years, a group of my buddies have been going to a friend's cottage every summer for a weekend of golf, beer, poker and general mayhem. This year our host cancelled at the last minute, saying that he had to work. What do you think would be an appropriate sanction for this pussy-whipped office drone?
A: Judas Iscariot hung himself after such a betrayal, but your guy probably won't follow suit. So break into his cottage, drink his beer, eat his food, satisfy his women (obviously their needs are not filled by him) and steal his credit cards. He needs to learn the meaning of friendship.
Dear Guzzler: I want to buy a graphite shaft for my driver, but need to know what the difference is in low torque and high torque shafts (2.5 or 4.5). So what is the difference and what difference will it make on how I hit a tee shot? Thanks.
A: To the best of my knowledge, "High Torque Shaft" is a porn flick. You're welcome.
Dear Guzzler: What is proper etiquette after hustling a six pack onto the course in your bag? The beverage girl shows up on the 4th hole and you still have 2 cold ones in your bag. Do you politely decline her solicitation, or buy another few so she won't think you are a sneak? Thanks, oh "god of guzzle."
A: If you finish four by the fourth hole, start stocking up reinforcements. Don't get yourself parched by the seventh fairway.
Dear Guzzler: What percentage of golf courses sell beer? What percentage of golf courses allow byob beer? Do these answers differ by public vs. public play? How have these things changed over time?
A: You're in luck, pal. I just finished my doctoral dissertation on just this subject. The answers are: 1.) 98.6 percent; 2.) 0 percent; 3.) No; 4.) It's gotten much more expensive.