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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 46
Dear Guzzler: One fine day I arrive at the course to golf in a threesome two of my best friends, who happen to be brothers. As we are approaching the first tee, the younger brother says, "Mike has 18 beers in in his bag." To which Mike responds, "That's OK, we can get some more at the turn."
A: What's your point?
Dear Guzzler: I often struggle with my drives. Is it because I usually have 12-15 beers just prior to my tee-time? Believe it or not, my short game is very strong. Please advise.
A: Have your liver checked and play only par-3 courses.
Dear Guzzler: I work for a company in Phoenix and my buddy works for a company in Boston. My company has a large contract with the Boston company. Each time he comes to Phoenix, after work we drink beer, then go golf while we drink beer, and then generally go out to dinner and drink beer, and then go bar-hopping to drink more beer. Well, the problem is that my buddy's company will not pay for much of his expenses, so I feel obligated to pay for most outings and then get reimbursed by my company. My boss has finally noticed that all of my expenses have something to do with beer or golf and has questioned my ethics. What should I do?
A: Tell him you pay the strippers and bail money out of your own pocket so he's getting off easy.
Dear Guzzler: I really didn't want to drink while golfing, since I knew how much it screws up my pool-shooting ability. But upon reading your advice, oh wise one, I decided to try about 5 shots of whiskey along with 6 beers. Much to my surprise, I had no yips while putting and was very RELAXED and ended up shooting an 83 on a tough, 18-hole course. One thing though. What do you suggest to get rid of those annoying next-day hangovers? I heard a large glass of water with aspirin before sleep is best.
A: You heard right. Drink several glasses, if you can. I learned this from a guy who kept one of those office-style water coolers in his kitchen for just this reason. The reason it works (or at least helps a lot) has something to do with keeping your brain tissues from getting too dehydrated, I think.
Dear Guzzler: Hey, babes like beer too. We've formed a new league at our country club dedicated to girls having fun while golfing. We're known as those bad girls who drink, say the F-word, and don't keep score. We can't seem to come up with a respectable name for our group. Any suggestions?
A: Forget the name, Suzie. Will you marry me?
Dear Guzzler: I ran into an interesting problem at the clubhouse not long ago. We were waiting for our tee time, having a dog and a couple o' brews, then headed to the head to evacuate our bladders. I heard a loud scream from one of my foursome (and his foreskin, due to the zipper on his new Dockers). He was very much stuck. He ripped it out and went to a VA hospital next door to the course. He caught up with us on the 16th but shot like he still had his nixon caught in his zipper. WHAT WOULD YOU DO????? firstname.lastname@example.org
A: To begin with, I would not entangle my schlong in a zipper. A conveyor belt, maybe, but not a zipper. But if it did happen, I'd give that zipper one firm yank down myself. No doctors. If the bleeding was minimal, I'd wrap willy in paper towels and head for the first tee. If there was a lot of blood, I'd take pictures of the new Golf Guzzler home page logo.
Dear Guzzler: We always seem to get behind the fat-old-bags league that can't hit a ball farther than 20 yards. When you play through one foursome you just run into another 2/3 of the way down the fairway. While waiting at the tee, is it in appropriate to chase gophers with the golf cart?
A: Yes, but there are strict limits to what you can do when you catch them.
Dear Guzzler: Here in sunny South Africa, it is my privilege to belong to a small, invitation-only, select group of men whose ambition is to play more golf, better golf, and knock back a few cold ones more often. We achieve our "better golf" the traditional way, such as by changing the rules to suit ourselves with our novice abilities. We have extensive rules for multiple Mulligans that can be bought and sold amongst playing partners, usually for beers. We're even thinking about opening futures trading for Mulligans. We seek your advice on the following dilemma. One of our playing partners showed up a few minutes late for our 7:02 a.m. tee-off time, complaining of a late night. He played his usual crap round, then back in the clubhouse he drank one beer (330 ml of Hansa, a local brand of South African Breweries), then purchased a chocolate bar, and then buggered off without buying a round himself, complaining of a hangover. We were so astonished we stayed behind for several more rounds before we left, sneaking out through the back door, trying to hide from our embarrassment at the behaviour of our playing partner. The delicate part of this situation is that we've coerced this particular member to sponsor our extensive list of trophies to be presented after the conclusion of our end-of-season Iron-Man Triathlon (golf, darts, and dominoes) Tournament Championship. So we don't exactly wish to punish him, but we would rather enjoy humiliating him in public, as our club rules provide, and we would surely like to rehabilitate him so that he becomes once again a reliable drinking partner. And all this without jeopardising the free trophies we intend to sponge from his glass-blowing factory. Can you please help?
A: Talk about a global community! The same thing happened to me but without so many details. I shook up a bottle of Bud Light and let it squirt at the crotch of the offender's pants. That way he is publicly branded as a guy who can't hold his beer.
Dear Guzzler: My goal is to shoot my weight. But my golfing buddies say my weight should be mesured before the round. I think I would be much more likely to acomplish my goal if my weight was taken after the round (and 18 brewskies). Beer weighs approximately 1 lb. per pint, which would greatly improve my chances. And I did take into consideration water loss as part of my equation. What do you think?
A: I think you must not lose nearly as much water as I do.
Dear Guzzler: A lady friend recently gave me a golf bag with a built-in beer sleeve! I had tears in my eyes, I was so happy. How in the world does one properly thank such a wonderful woman?
A: You must become her love slave, except when you feel like golf.
Dear Guzzler: After watching Tiger Woods' incredible comeback victory at Pebble Beach, I began wondering what the greatest comeback has been for the Guzz.
A: The year was 1993 and the scene was an early-morning outing at a backwater course I had not played before. Only when I arrived did I learn the miserable place did not sell beer. By the second hole, which ran alongside a road, my playing partner and I were defeated and desperate. We took our golf cart down the road about a half-mile and found a party store. After securing an ample beverage supply, we returned and resumed our playing position. Miracles can happen, my friend, if you stay within yourself and take what the course gives.