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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 47
Dear Guzzler: While riding in my golf cart I have chipped my front teeth while drinking a longneck "Bud" and looking for my golf ball in the woods. I need help ... any suggestions?
A: You have three options:
Dear Guzzler: How did you get started with the guzzler idea?
A: It all began with a demented psychopath named Thomas F. Limmer. Years back, Mr. Limmer was secretary of the prestigious golf league known as the Bloated Goats. As publisher of the league's weekly newsletter, he convinced me to do an advice column. "Just like Ann Landers but for drunken hackers!" he said. Another Bloated Goat then posted it on the Net without my permission. That's the real story. By the way, Limmer still enjoys "Ask the Golf Guzzler" even though he is serving 10 years in the State Prison of Southern Michigan for gross indecency. I understand some of his buddies tatooed a remarkable facsimile of Darva Conger's nipples on his back. That should be quite a conversation piece when he gets out.
Dear Guzzler: Who holds the longest drive in history and how long was it?
A: Who cares? The important thing is that John Daly, one of the longest drivers in the world, had the courage to say no to rehab. Keep that in mind if you want to be a long hitter, Troy.
Dear Guzzler: Recently, a friend of mine and I miscalculated our potential intake on our favorite course. I guzzled our last few drops of brew on the 8th hole. As we approached nine, I spotted an upright Budweiser can sitting on the tee. It was full and appeared freshly opened, though a tad warm. My buddy convinced me that it was likely about 50% urine, the product of a prankster. So left it sitting there. Did I do the right thing? I did manage to limp back to the clubhouse and procure frosty beverages for the back nine, but I'm worried that a perfectly good beer went to waste.
A: Why torture yourself with what could have been? The important thing is that you did get more beer without drinking piss. That means a lot in this crazy old world.
Dear Guzzler: What are the odds of a specific individual making a hole in one on consecutive days on the same par 3 hole, using the same club and the same ball?
A: Depending on the individual, it ranges from in your dreams to no fucking way.
Dear Guzzler: How many dimples are on a regulation golf ball?
A: No offense, but you think about golf too much.
A: No self-respecting golfer says "fricken" on the course. However, if used after the word "I," the word "suck" is the standard response to the question, "How you hitting them?"
Dear Guzzler: How does a "beer is golf, golf is beer" guy properly adapt to playing with a new girlfriend instead of hitting the links with the guys and throwin' back many cold ones during a round. Thanks Guzz.
A: Who's your girlfriend, Carrie Nation? Get her drunk, too. It will come in handy after the round. Or maybe even while searching for your balls in the woods.
Dear Guzzler: As the Olympics are in our fair nation of Australia, what are the chances of having the Guzz's Olympic Event? It would require heats, semi finals and finals. We could have a team from each participating country. I think this could become a Gold Mug event. What do you think?
A: Don't hustle me, mate. I've learned just two things in life. One: never urinate on a police station. Two: never, ever challenge an Aussie to a drinking contest.