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Ask the Golf Guzzler -- No. 49
Dear Guzzler: I want to build my own course, where only my friends and I could play. One exception, I would allow women to play on Tuesdays -- only if they were naked. Of course, they would have to meet certain requirements. Also, the golfers would have to meet certain drinking requirements. For example, I thought 1 beer per hole would be a minimum requirement. A golfer could also earn a free round if he vomits during his round or shortly after in the bar -- "The Slippery Titty." What do you think?
A: I think I want to know how much you charge for a membership.
Dear Guzzler: What are the odds of a hole in one up to 150 yards? Between 150 and 175 yards? Between 176 and 200 yards? Between 200 and 225 yards? And, between 225 to 250 yards?
A: Slim. Very slim. In your dreams. If hell freezes over. What, are you stoned?
Dear Guzzler: How many dimples does a regulation golf ball have?
A: Not enough to stop it from slicing.
Dear Guzzler: On my downswing, I have a tendency to pull my right arm/elbow into the right side of my torso. Can you recommend an exercise or drill I can practice to improve the position of my right arm on my downswing? Ron
A: Try 12-ounce curls. That's the secret to a fluid swing.
Dear Guzzler: What is meant by the course rating and slope rating? How do you use these numbers to compare courses?
A: According to the USGA (that's United States Golf Association, if you need help on that one): "Slope Rating is the USGA's mark that indicates the measurement of the relative difficulty of a course for players who are not scratch golfers. The lowest Slope Rating is 55, and the highest is 155. A golf course of standard playing difficulty has a USGA Slope Rating of 113." And, "Course Rating is the USGA's mark that indicates the evaluation of the playing difficulty of a course for scratch golfer under normal course and weather conditions. It is expressed as strokes taken to one decimal place, and is based on yardage and other obstacles to the extent that they affect the scoring ability of a scratch golfer."
Dear Guzzler: My group made a beer stop on the way to the course. The three regulars each grabbed a 12-pack but the new guy just kind of stood there not knowing what to do. Finally, one of the guys had to ask him, "Aren't you drinking?" The new guy bought his own 12-pack but we don't think he finished it. Should we invite him to play with us again?
A: Yes, but make him hit from the red tees.
Dear Guzzler: What macro and micro economic factors affect the golf industry?
A: Funny, but Louis Rukeyser asked me the same question over wallbangers at the club last week. "Lou," I said, "golf is just a stupid game. Lighten up and order another tray of Jello shots." Then we picked up Warren Buffett and hit the strip clubs.
Dear Guzzler: How do I hit a draw? Do you line up different, or grip different, or what? I'm sure you have the solution Guzzler!!!!
A: No matter how sure you are of something in this crazy old world, you may be wrong. I couldn't hit a draw if my testicles depended on it. And neither can most guys on the course. Don't let them fool you.
Dear Guzzler: Yo guzz! What state has the most golf courses? I hope I didn't wake you. This is the second time I've ask this question. I hope you're sober this time to answer. Daniel Dula, Newport Richey, Fla. Thanks.
A: Yo, Daniel. Sorry about the delay. Please accept my apology for waiting so long to respond.
Dear Guzzler: If you are on a par 5 hole and you get the ball in the hole in two shots, is it considered a double eagle?
A: Finally! A question I can answer. If I am on a par 5 hole and get a two, it's considered a dream. Or perhaps a wet dream.
Dear Guzzler: We've all heard the debate about what constitutes a Grand Slam of golf. We've even heard this thing called a Tiger Slam. Is there a Guzzler Slam?
A: No. If I want a green jacket, I go to St. Vincent DePaul.
Dear Guzzler: Are professional golfers considered athletes, or just guys who can hold their liquor better than others?
A: What's the difference?
Dear Guzzler: I like to drink beer AND I like to walk when I play golf. Is the lack of a cart going to hurt my chances of catching a nice buzz?
A: Not if you use a pull cart. Lifting and carrying a bag with an adequate supply of beer packed inside causes severe spinal damage, possibly resulting in paralysis and death.
Dear Guzzler: How late can you stay out drinking the night before a 7:30 a.m. tee time? I've experimented many times and have found it difficult to wake up and make it to the course if I don't get in before 5 a.m.
A: You crazy maniac. Never set a tee time before 11 a.m.
Dear Guzzler: Do you know a German beer that you would drink with a cherry in it? Thanks
A: No. In Germany, fruity beer is punishable by death or dismemberment.
Dear Guzzler: When we play Stableford with a Texas scramble, we play two balls from tee to green. Then we play the best ball on the green. But what if one ball is on the green and the other is not? Can we play the ball outside the green and play two balls again? Or since one ball is on the green, do we have to play that one? Américo Jones
A: Sorry, friend. All I know about Texas rules is what to pull out when my drive fails to clear the red tees.