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Heroes of the Guzzler

Every so often there comes to our attention, a guzzling golfer that exhibits such noteworthy behavior that he or she deserves special mention. They are the Guzzler Heroes listed here. Let us hoist a cold one in their honor.

Now that's a hole in one

This was printed (really, I swear) in the June 4, 1997, edition of the Oakland Press, a newspaper in Pontiac, Mich. Somewhere there's a sports desk staffer who put his job on the line for this little piece of amusement:

CRAVEN MOREHEAD, 69, of Ortonville, aced the 153-yard third hole at Willow Gardens in Greenville, N.C., on May 31 while on vacation. He used a 3-iron for his first ace ever. Witnesses were Phil McKreviss and Haywood Jablomey.

Arnie's Army gets an officer's latrine

  Arnold Palmer
"Years ago, I hit my tee shot at No. 11, and as I was walking down the fairway, I felt the call of nature. So I walked off to the left of the trees to relieve myself. Much to my surprise, when I walked out of the trees, I got a standing ovation from the gallery. The next year, (they) had built an outhouse down there. Thankfully, it wasn't named after me."

-- Arnold Palmer,
reflecting on a memorable Masters moment

I am not sure this story really happened, but I know it is true. This extraordinary tale of compassion and swilling, all on a golf course, was submitted by one of the loyal few dozen readers of The Guzz.

A birdie the hard way

On a particularly thirsty afternoon in April, three friends -- Commander Bosmo (Mighty Mayor of Big Water), Loadie Luther Stephens, and the Major (Mighty MAJ) were swagging mightily and playing a most heinous round of hideous golf. When they arrived at the 15th tee, they opened their remaining beers and looked furtively and thirstily for the beer cart. A flock of coots was milling about on the fairway.

Loadie Luth teed up his ball, and hit a line-drive worm burner, which struck one coot in the head and richocheted off another (the mate, according to the Mighty MAJ). As the three set out to assess the damage, the beer cart showed up, and Commander Bosmo, knowing full well that the ensuing activity would cause great dehydration, went over to purchase some more cool ones.

In the meantime, the Mighty MAJ came upon the injured coots, withdrew his 3 iron from his bag, and worked the coot over with it to bring about its demise more quickly and humanely. When the coot was dead, he cradled it in the crook of his club, and flung it over his shoulder in a graceful motion into the lake. Her mate all of a sudden got much better. The beer lady said, "Well at least it wasn't one of them mallards."

The Mighty MAJ claimed his first birdie of the year with an assist by Loadie Luth, and the foursome traveling behind kept their safe distance for the remainder of the round.

Submitted by
Paul Castleman
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